On Parenting By Faith From a Mama of 8 - Minisode | Ep 42

I recently wrote a piece called:

Sometimes I Build my Eternal Family in a Bar: How Parenting Through a Lens of Faith Over Fear Builds Family Relationships

It was written straight from my heart and it got a fair amount of traction on FB. In this minisode, you'll get to hear me read the piece, learn what I wrote it for, and get some extra info on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for context.

This episode will give you hope that it is possible to live and love your faith AND stay close to your children, even if they choose to leave the faith you raised them in.

*************************************

If you're a woman who appreciates connecting with other women in community with vulnerability and compassion, please join us in the Solidarity Sister! Facebook group at:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/716800349946338/

The Solidarity Sister! Book Club has begun and runs through the end of May. We're reading Brené Brown's Gifts of Imperfection over a period of 15 weeks, and connecting via Zoom and Marco Polo. Find more info in the FB group. Sign up at https://forms.gle/ZHpfhd8hwCpw6NL2A

FB: The Solidarity Sister Podcast
IG: @solidaritysister.kristinwilson 

Transcript

0:06

Welcome to another mini sode of Solidarity Sister with Kristin Wilson. This week I want to share with you the essay piece that I wrote for Generous Conference, which is a semi annual gathering on Facebook, on a Facebook page, where inspiring messages are posted. If you remember, In episode 34, I got to interview my friend Evelyn, who has left the church that I belong to, which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, twice a year, the leaders from our church take the time to create messages in five sessions over two days, and most of us, watch from home in our pajamas. Maybe some people get dressed up, but we are not those people. When I was a little girl, before we had that level of technology, we would go to our local meeting house and the message would be broadcast to the meeting house, which seemed like kind of a big deal that you could do that by satellite, in, you know, the mid 1980s. But now we have the internet, it's on YouTube, it's everywhere, and it's been around for Close to 200 years, which means that in the beginning, there were definitely in person gatherings. So it's come a long way. Well, at any rate, Evelyn wanted to create something that was positive and uplifting. Even being apart from the church. And so she created this generous conference and invited people as generous authorities to come and share a message. This is the message that I shared. Sometimes, I build my eternal family in a bar. How Parenting Through a Lens of Faith Over Fear Builds Family Relationships By Kristin Kearl Wilson One recent Sunday found my husband and I making the hour long drive from our LDS Chapel in Stansbury Park to Lighthouse Lounge in Ogden. Lighthouse is one of those bars like the one on the old hit TV show Cheers, where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came. I was wearing my favorite blue dress, the one that makes me feel fancy and like I'm in a nightgown all at the same time. And it has pockets. My husband was in a dress shirt and tie, though he ditched the tie along the way. I greeted the regulars I recognized on the way in as I navigated to a wingback chair I've sat in before, swinging it to face the stage where my beautiful, talented singer songwriter daughter was playing a brunch gig. We made a new friend that day who offered to buy us shots. We politely declined the alcohol but drank in his life story and hard won wisdom. It's really hard not to love someone if you lean in and listen to their story with your heart. My daughter called me up on stage for the first time to sing some harmony on a song she thought I'd know. I didn't, but even still, I was so honored that she wanted me there with her. So honored, in fact, that I then agreed to play open mic at Lighthouse last week for the first time. I took a little Jesus to the bar because I only know K Love songs and Lauren Daigle is my favorite artist. But Kat said that it was okay. On two of the songs in my set of four, Kat sang with me, adding her guitar to my keys on one of them. It filled me right up and felt like absolute heaven. When she was in eighth grade, Kat came to me and said she wanted a break from church. We are descendants of hardy pioneer stock. Jane Johnston Black delivered nine babies on the banks of the Mississippi River the night the saints were forcibly driven from Nauvoo. John Taylor sent for Mother Black to nurse him back to health when he was shot at Carthage jail. Jane Dridge buried three daughters who died from cholera while crossing the plains and attended church at the first meeting house built in Grantsville, now the location for a number of theatrical productions, of which my husband and older son have participated in. Kat, whose given name is Kate, is named for Kate Villate Isom Palmer, who was described as, quote, a prominent church and social worker, unquote, in her obituary. A long time resident of Cedar City, she was a devoted mama bear, one of the first graduates of BYU, and a strong woman who lived a faithful life of service. I was a weird kid who read all the standard works and much of History of the Church by B. H. Roberts before I was 12. I had 100 percent early morning seminary attendance all four years because I wanted to, and here was my daughter, descendant of these hardy pioneers, wanting a break from church. Kat expressed concern about her request knowing that, as the oldest of our eight children, that whatever we decided would set a precedent. I asked her to give me some time to ponder and took the situation to the Lord in prayer and that prayer was answered. My path was clear. We gathered our children and said, Kate is going to be taking a break from church. This is an opportunity for us to love her like Jesus does. We love her whether or not she comes to church. This doesn't change my testimony in Jesus Christ. Dad and I will still be going every week and you are invited to come along, but we are going to give her the space she needs to figure this out. And then we went about living our lives. There were some really tough teen years. She made mistakes. I made mistakes. She came back to church briefly and left again during that time. I don't know if or when she might return. I could spend my days worrying about what our family will look like in the eternities if my children don't all, quote, follow the covenant path, unquote. But I don't. I am not even afraid. I have faith in heavenly parents who were their parents first. That is bigger than those worries. I have faith in my own children to find their way that is bigger than those worries. My path is clear. 1. Focus on my own walk with God. Learn to hear Him and follow Him. I am not blind to issues in the church, but I stay because I feel that this is still where God wants me. 2. Recognize that agency is a huge part of the plan. Honor the agency of my children, friends, and family. This means refraining from shaming, belittling, or offering ultimatums. 3. Assume that those around me are following the path they need for their own growth. Sometimes it helps me to think of myself as a witness rather than a judge. Four, focus on the gifts and inherent divine worth of my children and really everyone I come across. Besides her musical ability, Kat is brilliant like actually Mensa level. She is kind and thoughtful. She is brave and courageous. She is willing to learn. She is a hard worker and so much better with money than I might ever be. She is wise and has a keen intuition. She is resilient and clever. She shows me so much gratitude and appreciation. I love hanging out with her and my heart feels lighter every time she is home and plays our piano and sings. Kat has a lot of friends from LDS homes who have felt all but shunned for leaving the church. Some hang out at the bar. Some don't. Their families treat them as less than. I know many parents who have set ultimatums like no seminary, no going out on Friday night, or go to BYU and we'll give you a car, go somewhere else, and you're on your own financially. I think of the LGBT youth whose parents, self proclaimed disciples of Christ, kick them out for not fitting the mold. These kinds of behaviors are at worst manipulative and hateful, and at best, wholly misguided. On the other hand, we see David Archuleta's mom leaving the church so that they can be in, quote, hell together, unquote, as his latest single says. That single has resonated with so many people and made so many others wildly uncomfortable. I'm grateful that it has opened a dialogue and hope it can be a springboard to healing rather than serve to further divide families and communities. Though I am hesitant to place a blanket judgment on other people's parenting or life choices, I am left considering if these estrangements are the result of fear based decision making. Are some parents so afraid of losing their children in the eternities that they are willing to try shame and ultimatums in the hopes of forcing their children back to the covenant path? Not only are these actions not what Jesus would do, they aren't even effective. You cannot force another person's spiritual journey, but you can destroy your relationship with them in the attempt. Our new friend at the bar brunch later told us that he could tell we had come from church and he expected we would decline those shots, but he thought it would be fun to offer. He commended us for being willing to be where our daughter was. I'm sad to think that this kind of action is so rare for our situation that it stands out to people as even being commendable at all. Many of Kat's friends are surprised that I could be so close with her while I am a practicing member and she is not. This has not been their family experience. I wish it was. I don't want to spend my days on earth mired in feeling like my choices in the next life are separation or hell together. I trust there is another alternative. I think we can live by faith in God, in Heavenly Mother, in Jesus Christ, in Allah, in Elohim, in Shiva, in the universe, or whatever unifying universal power you can tune into, and spend our days fostering the kind of human relationships we would actually want to hold onto forever. Let us do the personal healing work we need to do so that we can show up wholeheartedly for our kids, our friends, our neighbors, and our coworkers with vulnerability, grace, and compassion. As Victor Hugo once wrote, to love another person is to see the face of God. And sometimes. I see the face of God in my incredible daughter on a stage in a bar in Ogden, and it feels just like heaven. So for those of you who are not members of my faith, I would love to define, you know, every religion kind of has their words that if you're part of that faith, you, you get it and you get all the ins and outs. And if you're not, it sounds a little bit like Greek. So, first of all, LDS is a short form for Latter day Saint that comes from the name The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. In talking about alcohol, as part of our faith, we actually abstain from alcohol, and you might find this shocking, but I have never tried alcohol in my whole life. Crazy, I know, but true. So I talked a lot about pioneers and that is an important part of our history as a church and also the history of the state of Utah. So the church was what we would consider restored from the early church that Jesus Christ established during his ministry. So we have prophets and apostles just like the apostles that Jesus called at that time. During those early days of the church, there were missionaries who actually went to preach the gospel in Europe. And I have ancestors from Scotland, Ireland, Denmark, Wales, and England, who joined the church because they heard these missionaries and came by ship and kept traveling and, you know, gathered in Nauvoo, Illinois. Joseph Smith was actually killed while the saints were gathered in Nauvoo. He had been taken to jail in Carthage and a mob rushed the jail. Joseph was killed. His brother Hiram was killed. John Taylor, who ultimately became the third prophet of the church, was shot. And my ancestor Jane Johnston Black nursed him back to health. She had come from Ireland and she's phenomenal. I talked about her in a previous episode, episode 29. It was really good. You should go listen to that. She was amazing. But anyway, she also delivered nine babies on the banks of the Mississippi River the night the Saints were forcibly driven from Nauvoo. And there were literal mobs who were threatening them with bodily harm and taking their possessions. And these women were stressed and went into labor. And she was a midwife, Jane was, and she delivered these babies. And we have a daughter named Jane after her because she is amazing. I also in episode 29, talk about William R. Palmer, who is the husband of Kate Villate Isom Palmer that I talked about in this piece for Generous Conference. At any rate, These people sacrificed. They left everything they knew because they believed that this was where they would find the gospel of Jesus Christ. So it is meaningful when you have that depth of family culture to be able to say, I don't want to be part of this faith. And I think that for many people who come from pioneer stock, it just adds another layer of connection to the church that when they leave, it can be tricky and it can be tricky for their families who are like, are you really giving up our family heritage? That can be hard. That's why I bring it up. So I also mentioned being a weird kid who read all the standard works. So in the LDS Church, we use the King James Version Bible, the Old and New Testament. We also have the Book of Mormon, which we consider another Testament of Jesus Christ. And it actually is kind of like the Bible is a history book of the spiritual dealings the area of Jerusalem and, you know, further around there, but within that general region. Well, the Book of Mormon is what we believe happened with prophets who left that area and came across by ship and settled within the Americas and their life experiences. And it also testifies of Jesus Christ. And then we have another section that is essentially church history. So that's, that's basically what, what we're studying when we say the standard work. So that means I had read the Old Testament and the New Testament and the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants all before I was 12, which is crazy. And then there's this series of several volumes of history of the church by B. H. Roberts, which literally has like journal entries about all these things that happened in the early days. And it's, I think seven volumes long. And I would read that for fun as a little kid. Kind of weird. Early morning seminary is something we do for high schoolers. If you live in a place with a high concentration of members of our church, then you actually can have a release time during high school to go have the class for like fourth period or whatever. Now that we live in Utah, my kids do that. I grew up in California, so in order to go to seminary, we would go at the freaking crack of dawn, which was 630 a. m. I'm not a morning person. In your four years of high school, you would spend one year on Old Testament, one year on New Testament, one year on Book of Mormon, and one year on church history. And then it just rotates. So you always get those four within your high school experience. And I never wanted to miss. I was weird. So I think you see with this background, just how big of a deal it was for me to have this daughter who didn't want to go to church anymore. It's a part of who I feel like I am, it's a part of our family heritage but the answer I got from God was that she needed to learn for herself. The other piece is BYU, if you don't know what that is, that is Brigham Young University and sometimes people call it the Lord's University, but I just think it's a great school. You do get to pray before and after class. I did go there. Dave and I actually met at BYU in the Marriott Center, which is where like the basketball court and everything is. So we are BYU alum. But, you can have a great college experience going to other schools as well, and you can even be someone who stays in your faith and go to another school. But there have definitely been some families that feel like BYU is the place their kids should go. So that is why I brought that up. Hopefully that background will give you a little more perspective. If you are not a member of our faith and some of this, you know, you kind of got the basic principles, but you were like, well, what does that mean? If anyone ever has any questions, feel free to reach out to me. I'd be happy to answer your questions. I'm not going to try and pressure you to join or anything, but, I like to learn from the source, so like when I became interested in learning more about the things that my Orthodox Jewish friends practice, I've reached out and just asked them questions because I feel like they're the best source. So if you have an interest in learning more about our church, feel free to reach out to me. I am the weird kid who read history of the church, read all the things, and studies my Bible and the Book of Mormon and all the pieces, and I'd be happy to answer your questions. So, thank you for your time and space here and just know that we can walk the faith journey that we feel called to do and love our kids and honor their own journey at the same time. It is absolutely possible. We do not have to choose one or the other. We can love our faith and love our kids. And if we're doing our faith journey right. Our faith journey should actually make us more capable of loving our kids at a deeper and more meaningful level. So thank you for bearing with me on this longer than usual minisode. Thank you for being part of the Solidarity Sister community. We needed you.