The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward - Book Review | Ep 55

Is it possible to live without regrets? Daniel H. Pink, author of The Power of Regret, makes a strong case for the idea that we all experience regret. Pink explores different types of regrets in this paradigm-shifting book and most importantly, he offers tangible, practical steps for handling regrets in a way that can propel us forward rather than keeping us stuck.

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Transcript

Kristin: 0:07

Hello, and welcome to another book review episode of Solidarity Sister with Kristin Wilson, where we continue on in our quest to cultivate our community building skills and lean into meaningful friendships. Self care and self love are at the heart of community building. So we're also exploring how to care for ourselves So we can better connect in relationships. We weren't meant to do life alone. And I'm so glad you're here to do life with me. This week, I'm reviewing an incredibly paradigm shifting book called The Power of Regret, How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel H. Pink. From the Amazon description, quote, the world needs this book, unquote, Brené Brown, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of Dare to Lead and Atlas of the Heart. I'm going to interrupt what I'm reading from Amazon here to just say, I did not even realize that Brene Brown had written anything about this book when I selected it, but as you all know, I'm a huge fan of Brene Brown, so that makes my feelings about this book go up even more. Back to the description An instant New York Times bestseller, as featured in the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post, named a best book of 2022 by NPR and Financial Times. From the number one New York Times bestselling author of When and Drive, a new book about the transforming power of our most misunderstood yet potentially most valuable emotion, regret. Everybody has regrets. Daniel H. Pink explains in The Power of Regret, they're a universal and healthy part of being human, and understanding how regret works can help us make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and bring greater meaning to our lives. Drawing on research in social psychology, neuroscience, and biology, Pink debunks the myth of the no regrets philosophy of life, and using the largest sampling of American attitudes about regret ever conducted, as well as his own World Regret Survey, which has collected regrets from more than 15, 000 people in 105 countries. He lays out the four core regrets that each of us has. These deep regrets offer compelling insights into how we live, and how we can find a better path forward. As he did in his bestsellers Drive, When, and A Whole New Mind, Pink lays out a dynamic new way of thinking about regret and frames his ideas in ways that are clear, accessible, and pragmatic. Packed with true stories of people's regrets, as well as practical takeaways for reimagining regret as a positive force. The power of regret shows how we can live richer, more engaged lives. And now for my thoughts. The book mentions a guy in the armed services who wanted a manly tattoo and chose no regrets. Years later, this same man was in the process of having laser treatments to remove the tattoo. The reality is, We all have regrets. I love the way this book characterizes regrets, both in terms of genre, things like whether it's family related or whether it's work related, that kind of a thing, and also a type, either being active or inactive. An active regret would be something we did that we regret. Some examples from the book include adultery, bullying, cheating, and lying. Inactive regrets would be things that we didn't do that we wished we had. So these could be things like not taking a certain job, furthering our education, or keeping better contact with friends or family. Pink talks about how in our younger years, we are more likely to be plagued with active regrets, and how as we age, we are more likely to have inactive regrets, although of course there are definitely both types in all age groups. One of the concepts I found the most interesting was in chapter 13. In this chapter, Pink talks about the absolute importance of discussing and or writing about our active regrets. We cannot process and move past them without that step. He mentions options for writing about it for multiple days, voice recording ourselves talking about that, or talking to someone that we trust. I think about this like from a Christian framework, how repentance, which is really generally something we're doing. over an active regret, or it could be sometimes an inactive regret, but how important it is for that to often include confession. Who we confess to might vary from God, to a church leader, to a trusted friend, or family member, and it would definitely include the person that we wounded in a sin scenario where we've hurt someone, or sometimes it could even just be an honest mistake and not like an out and out malicious action, but something we didn't even realize would harm someone. If we feel regret about that, we have to talk about it. We have to get that out in the open without that full confession, the regret really just continues to swirl around inside of us. In contrast, and I found this super interesting, when we feel happiness and talk about it or write about it in an in depth manner, it can actually diminish those happy feelings. I'm still pondering over that one. One of the other things I love that Pink brought up was the work of Kristin Neff on self compassion. He talks about how focusing on self esteem can actually keep us from owning our regrets, where self compassion offers a more powerful path to both own and try to make amends, when possible, for our regrets without getting stuck in them either. Other helpful ideas around regret were to use the possibility of future regret in the now to help us make present choices. There was a great illustration about Jeff Bezos starting Amazon using that mentality, like knowing that he might regret not giving this a go, but even if it failed, he would not regret trying. Another idea about how to handle regret was to think about it in terms of how you would advise a dear friend or family member who did or didn't do the same thing and kind of talk to yourself with that kind of language. This wasn't a super long book, but it offered a lot of great ideas for making our regrets be a positive driver forward. I definitely recommend it. Our last Solidarity Sister Book Club on Gifts of Imperfection is this Thursday from 7-7:30 PM Mountain Standard Time via Zoom. There's a link in the Solidarity Sister Facebook group, and there's info on how to join that in the show notes. If you have any book suggestions for me, please use the text me option in the show notes of any of the episodes or contact me on social media because I would love to read your recommendations. Thank you for being part of the Solidarity Sister community. We needed you.